And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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