thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
