Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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