I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
