I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
