look no pants
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
