I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
