yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Randomize
