so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize