This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
