Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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