so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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