you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
