we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
