Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
