Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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