Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
