I wish I could teleport
Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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