Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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