I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
