She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
