It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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