I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I pour the whiskey from now on
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