You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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