You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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