She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
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