Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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