What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
