all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
