We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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