i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
