I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
