i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Randomize
