I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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