Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
