Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
