All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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