two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize