he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
you had me at cake vodka
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
