I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
