You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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