Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
