I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize