i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Randomize