dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
