Cold hands, warm shart.
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
