Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
