I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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