Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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