my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
that may or may not have been my penis.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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