She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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