I'm pants shitting drunk right now
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
