dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
