I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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