Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
