Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
