The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
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