Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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