She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
