I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Randomize
