So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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