So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
