i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
