Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize