I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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