At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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