im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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